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y-that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick:
John Mulaney, a true ADHD icon
I love how he gave this bit at an autism benefit because it is also a heavy Autism Mood™
This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen.
TRANSCRIPT:
JOHN MULANEY: I normally don’t notice people. I zone out constantly. Have you ever zoned out for a few minutes? I’ve been zoned out since 2014.
AUDEINCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I just - all day long, I wander into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin, listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I can zone out anywhere - I was at the doctor’s office, he was reading me the results of a blood test, it was important I listened, and I zoned out! I was like, “nah, I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts”.
AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS
MULANEY: I was like, “huh. None of the Beatles had moustaches… but then one day, all of them had moustaches.”
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “That’s weird, I can’t think of a time a group has done that”. Some people in my life don’t want me to zone out as much - they want me to focus, and they want me to be in the moment, and they want me to do this by meditating. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried meditating, but I’ve been trying it. This is how you meditate, okay? You sit on the floor with your back perfectly straight, which I hate more than ISIS -
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight! Alright?! It’s never gonna happen! If meditating was sitting hunched over on the toilet with your elbow on your knee while kind of looking at your phone, I’d be the Dalai Lama.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS
MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight. So you sit up straight, and you breathe, and this helps you stay in the moment. Don’t bother! The moment is mediocre at best!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I mean, it’s fine. Let’s all try right now - let’s all be in the moment, in silence, right now. [A HALF-SECOND PAUSE] Sucked, right? Not fun at all!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: That was boring! You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theatre in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS
MULANEY: Have you ever just been sitting there thinking about something for twenty, twenty-five minutes, and all of a sudden you’re like “oh my god, I’m driving!” and you remember? You’re like -
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “I’m going seventy-five miles an hour! I have been for a while! I could’ve changed so many lives!” Sometimes, my wife - I have this wife - she’ll be like, “are you watching the road?” and I’m always like, “I am looking through the windshield.”
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “And I’m not gonna hit anyone, but no. I’m thinking about the Beatles.”
Hey @vulpeculavolans added a transcript to this AND THAT IS SO AWESOME THANK YOU SO MUCH!
“I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts.” Is my true ADHD/Autism experience lmaoooo
Did I reblog this yet? Who knows? But it has been done as of now.
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so I clicked on a tasty video and got an ikea as that said
“Another cooking video??? It’s almost 11:45 (it is), do you not have a comfortable mattress? Get one when ikea opens in 10 hours and 15 minutes”
and while yes that’s good marketing on your part ikea, do you understand how fucking terrifyi
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the penalty box in hockey is such a funny concept to me. big fighty men go in the naughty cube. imprisoned for sports crimes
Go to the terrarium and think about your punching, you knife-footed ice-gremlin
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who is this graceful medieval noblewoman
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bbc merlin is really just “64 Times Merlin Saved Arthur Pendragon’s Royal Backside and One Time He Didn’t”
OK YOU KNOW WHAT
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So my husband (who is Catholic) asked me why there were so few Christians in Japan but there were a lot of Christian references and influence in art, anime, manga, et cetera.
I told him that a lot of people just think the imagery looks cool and he sent me this
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Any time someone tells me birds aren’t descended from dinosaurs, I show them this.
Where did he get his cloak?
He is out looking for Gelflings to suck the life force out of
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honestly the harry potter fandom is so wild like we’ve all collectively refused to accept cursed child as canon but some college kids tell us hufflepuffs are particularly good finders and we don’t even question it
I didn’t truly get the whole “death of the author” paradigm until I watched the harry potter fandom collectively divorce JKR
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I’m not sure what’s funnier. The fact that in HBP Harry’s thought process goes “Hmm. Draco’s ignoring me. He must be a Death Eater now. Nothing less than a secret deadly mission from Voldemort himself could be more important than our rivalry.”
Or the fact that he’s completely right.
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achillesvevo-deactivated2020090:
If you have ever been a customer I hate you
